i cant live with myself

[meaning- and pointless words]

please

Look, even if you don't give a crap about me, I still care about you.
I don't like to see you hurting, as I said once before.

I don't know the specific reason for you saying this, but I'm just going to guess that it's about everything over-all.
First off, you aren't a bad person. Sure, you might say some harsh things once in a while, but you still aren't a bad person. I can tell that you care about some or most of the people on this website, which also shows that you aren't an evil person.
I know what you are saying so far. 'Lies, she's just spea-' f*** those thoughts. f*** every negative thought in your mind. Cause none of that's true. IT'S NOT. And if you keep trusting those thoughts, that's only going to make you go crazy/suicidal.
Either you can deal with the pain you have, or you can chose to ignore it. Because it won't go away easily.
Sure, drugs and cutting yourself might help, but I'd advise against those routes, since those could just kill you as well, and hurt the ones around you even more. Ignoring it would be the best option. Even though once in a while, those thoughts might sneak back into your head, trying to consume you once more, just continue with the ignoring. Don't go back onto that road you were once on before.
(I know I might be way off and this might not even be helping at all, but I really did try.)
You have been feeling this pain for a lot longer than I have ever heard of, at least I think you have. Years, was it? In your case, it might take a little longer for you to rid of those thoughts.
Oh, and if you are still thinking that I don't care; Right now, I'm supposed to be at a choir rehearsal. Cost like 20% of my grade. I said,'f*** it, my friend needs my help. I'd rather fail that class for the f*** year and possibly fail 9th grade along with it cause that's how much my friend means to me.'
The only thing this pain will continue to do is kill you from the inside out. You need to stop thinking that you are a bad person, that you are selfish, greedy, not good enough. Stop thinking on the negative side of things, and look at the positive side. Think about the good things, the happy things. Don't stay in a low vibration.
I don't know what else to say. I really don't. I don't know how much this will help or get through to you, cause I don't know if you care about me, or what you consider me as. A friend? A foe? A acquaintance? That all matters on the effectiveness of my words.

And if none of that helps, or even relates to how you are feeling right now, 'Sometimes, it's just best to gaaaaaaaaah, and live.' or, 'Just let life live.'

Take care. Or, at least take care for them, if you can.

P.S: Words aren't pointless, they make us who we are.

Why would you sacrifice school work for me noooooo

I once thought my slide of misery was a spiral/circle hybrid. One mistake leads to another and you continue going down until a random crash happens and get swung out of it, only to end up going down it again sometime later.

With some newly gathered knowledge today, I'd like to turn the analogy of the slide into a Fractal (<-- click to go to the wikipedia page on that), maybe because it explains the crash. The fractal in my unprofessional explanation is basically an image that sprouts its own identical offspring from itself in various directions. If you compare this to misery instead of spiral/circle, this way you keep going down, but end up at the same spot again and again, only the colouration and the angle differ slightly.
---
I'm lost.

I'm lost on everything.
I don't know what my ideals are.

I thought I didn't need anybody around me to suffice life. I thought I could just be alone and I'd be fine, my own ego would be there to keep me company.

I was wrong.

I was so so s os sososoososossoos wrong.

But not perhaps in the manner you think I was.
I have family around me, and they are great.
I hear stories of people who have horrible parents, who don't care for their problems and have them deal with everything themselves without even attempting to perhaps solve the problem together.

My parents aren't like that. They help me when I feel down. But the difference is slight, as they aren't often capable of actually pulling me back up again.

That is not because they do something wrong or because they don't care enough, because they do the best they can. It's because my problems aren't in relation to them. My problems are related to everything else.

I don't have many friends.
Sure, I talk to people and they're okay with me, but that's it. I mentioned somewhere before, I'm just somebody who you could pull away and nothing would be different. (The past week probably proved this theory, I won't know, I wasn't there.) 

For the past two years, you guys were probably the only people I would regularly hang out with who weren't family. I felt like I was part of something, like I was a deal to anybody who wasn't hard-wired to think so in the first place. I actually had somewhere to be, and not just float around being insignificant (or maybe I was delusional enough to think that).

I realize I am insignificant.
I'm just a selfish jerk who wants to be significant.
Because he's selfish.
I can't just be happy with what I have.
A loving family, a not-being-bullied-or-often-attacked life, various material wealth, and white, male, heterosexual, cisgender-privilege if you want to go there (which I think one person wants me to).

Yet he still downs on everything.
When do you have a right to feel like s*** in my position?
Possibly never, and the Fractal started zooming in on this point (watch it go and go from here on out).


How can you make it worse?
Get others involved obviously. 
Let's ruin more people because you yourself are miserable for no reason aside from being horrible.


And then still force you ideology on everyone duuhhuh


I don't know what to type anymore


I'm just lost
Lost in regret and everything
I felt suicidal for the first time in months
Am I pitiful enough yet guys




guys






guys


ignore me


do


I want to ignore the misery and let life live.
But I'm too pathetic for that.
I try to keep myself distracted with fun stuff on the internet but that runs low on some point. And then you start thinking.


You start thinking.


You start thinking about how you messed everything up to the point where you prophecy of "everybody will spit me out and hate me at the end" actually ends up happened (proof has been seen).


You start thinking if you could've done things differently. But you can't, because that's how time works.


Is time an artificial concept?
Like humans only use it to measure matter moving around over in relation to speed and distance.
What on earth is a second?
What does it consist of?
Smaller seconds?
But those don't consist of anything either.


Time is fake, you could say. Haha.
---
tl;dr: I am miserable without justification, I am too pathetic to do anything about and probably deserve to die in various' people their books.

EDIT: Forgot the most important part: I continue to think others can fix my life whilist not trying myself, even after having done horrible things. I deserve to die in my own book, but won't because I'm scared of death and am too selfish.

.

I still don't know what to do.

That's not your fault, Roxara.
You basically gave everything you have in you there, I appreciate you wanting to help. I really do.

But
Well

I can't come back.
For the sake of something obvious as for the sake of history repeating itself.

This is the part I am truly lost on.

I took a vow after I was on chat last night: I won't be seen on NESHQ Chat until I've personally helped Unaniem for good.

If he's helped by someone else or something else happens then I suppose I'll never be able to return to NEShq Chat.

That's my condition, and my hope.