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I don't even know why I'm posting this

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I don't even know why I'm posting this

Post by Rena on Sun Jan 26, 2014 10:26 am

I'll say this at the top, a disclaimer of sorts:

I'm not posting this to get sympathy. I don't have any real preference as to who reads it, or why they do, or if they don't. These are things I have on my mind all the time, and at the moment, it concerns my interactions with anyone on this site, which is why I'm putting it here.

-------------------

I'm different. I always have been. What I have never done is explain exactly in what ways I'm different. How that makes me think, and how those thoughts affect my actions and reactions in turn.

Growing up, I had difficulty with...so much. In early childhood, around the time of toddler years, you start getting repeated lessons and sayings. "Don't hit mommy, that hurts her." "Hit me again and I'll put you in time out." "No, you cannot throw water." Things like that.

I took each and every lesson at face value, and it was years before they really sunk in. The first two are ones often heard from my older sister to her son; My nephew, Aidan. The last one is from my childhood.

What I mean by taking them at face value is this:

If I was told "No, Ryan, you cannot throw water", I took that to mean I couldn't just toss it. If I had a particular target, that was okay. So, I tossed water at a cat. "No, Ryan, cannot throw water at cats." Well I didn't understand. To me, this contradicted the lesson I had just learned, wherein I couldn't throw water, because this time I had a target, so the situation was different.

That inherent "cannot X means cannot X at anything" logic? I didn't have it. Something most people seem to be pretty much born with, I had to build up, lesson by lesson, situation by situation, until it finally dawned on me - around fourth grade - that "You cannot do X" without ANY extra modifiers meant "you cannot do X ever for any reason."

And that was wrong too, so I had to be taught that lesson again, made to understand that normally I cannot do X, unless X is, say, the point of a game that causes no real harm.

I also had to learn the difference between something being allowed, and being forgiven when I had earned punishment. I didn't understand that line, at all. If something were ever forgiven, then clearly the act that was forgiven is an okay thing to do.

All of these little, fine-tuned logical ideas and theories and...just these pieces of the human mind. I did /not/ have them. Common lines from me throughout my childhood were:

"But Eric swears!"
"But Alyssa brushes her own hair!"
"But Tori is allowed to sing!"
"But!"
"But..."

But. But SOMETHING. Always something I didn't understand. Always another lesson to be ironed out.

In addition to this, some of you reading may remember that you learned lessons alongside your friends. The fact that your buddy got caught and in trouble too probably helped drive it home for you.

I had no friends. If you had asked me, any time from first grade to high school, what I would spend one wish on, I would probably say something like "Freeing that poor genie giving me the wish", or "Making the world a better place", or "Ending bigotry", or "Making people happy".

I would also be lying through my teeth. In my heart of hearts, I know what I would have spent that wish on. I would have asked for one true friend.

Just one.

To understand this...You need to understand me. You need to understand what type of person I was to outsiders.

I was that kid. Every class, every group, in every area in the world has at least one. They tend to be really skinny in early grades. They might widen out, like I did. They're probably sensitive, and a little slow on the uptake...at least some of the time, anyway. Probably intelligent, but they won't show it. Cries when teased. Doesn't understand that you don't tell the other kids your mommy got you your shoes. Just doesn't quite fit in.

Nobody wants to be friends with that kid. Not even the other that kid in the area. When it counted most to have friends, I was alone. I was really skinny in Elementary School, then I began binge eating from depression in Middle School, causing my weight to go way up. In addition to needing glasses, being sensitive, and always accompanied by some sort of teacher's aide or watchperson, I was fat. This merely guaranteed I made no friends in Middle School. I was constantly bullied over my every aspect, when all I wanted to do was go to school and learn.

Depression took me. It rooted inside and stayed there. I retreated in to books to hide from it for an hour or two, but always the story ended. Always I had to take a break, and return to my life.

This was one of the worst possible things I did to myself. Not only was I a quiet, sensitive, fat kid, I was now a nerd. I read books when I finished my work in class. I wrote and doodled on the corners of my worksheets.

And through all of this, I still did not understand self restraint. Some part of my instinctively held back my anger and sorrow, but I didn't know how to trigger it, nor how to make peace with it. When I had the idea to hit someone, it was a miracle that I didn't, because - in my head - there was no reason not to. Why shouldn't I punch him? He's making my life hell. Let me punch him.

But I couldn't. So, I usually got up and left the room. Walked out of class at least once a week and had to be hunted down by whoever was available.

...

When I hit high school, I was angry, and bitter, and alone. I had shot up some in height, redistributing my weight. I was still heavy, but I didn't quite look it. I began eating less. My weight went down with my lesser habit of eating, but I still wasn't healthy. I finally began talking back to my abusers, however. I discovered I had a quick wit, and that I knew how to use it.

Years of being put down for everything possibly applied to me - and quite a few that didn't apply at all - had left me a broken person. By this point, my fractured personality was a reality, though it was - as of yet - only two, not the three it would become. By 10th grade - Sophomore year - I had been suspended for actually fighting back physically when walked up on. Multiple times.

I barely graduated with my sanity intact. I was sent to...oh, they called it a "mental institution." "Hospital."

I know what they meant. It was an asylum, and I was in there for a week. They didn't seem keen to keep me.

I still have trouble with some concepts, and I still have trouble trusting. I had people pretend to be friendly to me, at a time when all I wanted was a friend. They got close, learned what I liked to do in my spare time, then told everyone, and laughed at me for thinking I could have a friend.

I am broken in so many ways, and I created an online personality to escape that. This manifested in a character that is my ideal, plus magic. He is calm where I would have a muscle in my jaw twitching. He is wise where I know nothing. He is tall and does not slouch to hide it. He is proud, yet humble when he needs to be.

It's a parallel I strove for, keeping at it for a very long time before regretfully letting go. In an RP, this character is bound to be more than a little overpowered.

He will also be that guy to jump in front of a death ray to save you, because that's what I'd do.

I don't know what else to say I'm out of ideas go away.
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Rena

Posts : 21
Join date : 2013-12-25
Age : 23
Location : Nutopia.

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