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Post by Rena on Thu Aug 13, 2015 9:19 pm

This is going to be kind of rambly and I don't know if I'm ever going to post it...though I guess if you're reading this I decided to.

A lot of things seem to run in my family. Breathing issues, heart disease, obesity, depression, anger issues...We're just prone to a lot of s***.

We're Russian. And Irish and English. And f*** knows what else.

I don't really like talking about this, but I need to write it out so it stops spilling over at bad times.

I've led a pretty s*** life. I had a childhood, but I don't really remember any of it. I went straight from copying everything my older brother did to the clutches of depression in my memories. None of the good times exist between those two huge things.

Yeah, my brother. He got me in to Megaman and Phantasy Star. I chose Harvest Moon on my own, though.

When I was in elementary school, you know, first grade - I went to a catholic school back then - we had a day where we were asked to draw the Holy Spirit. I said I couldn't because I'd never seen what it looked like, and was told that what I actually drew didn't matter, I couldn't be wrong, just what I thought it looked like. I stubbornly held that I couldn't draw something I'd never seen, and was held back from going to recess for this.

In second grade, I was tricked in to calling one of my classmates a whale. To this day I regret this, to this day it bothers me that I did that, but I cannot set it right. It's been too long.

In third grade I was kicked out and had to be homeschooled. I came in to fourth grade at a new school - a public one this time.

Ms Johnstone is arguably the only teacher that ever truly understood me, and I only had her for a short year. Nobody ever took her advice that was written down. My parents tried to, but we had to put our trust in the system...

That didn't work.

By Middle School I was starting to lose faith in God, and didn't know what a friend was. During Middle School I...well a lot of things happened. I was pushed past my breaking point in several ways. I first discovered hints that I wasn't straight nor cis then, and ignored them. I started killing aspects of my personality to survive. My femininity was the first to go, tied with any attempts at leading or standing out.

I had tried to kill myself several times by this point. I would try many more times. I'd come close, too.

In High School, I would finally start getting the sort of attention I needed to start learning, but it was too late. In High School I was taken off of Abilify, and lost control of my legs.

To this day I no longer have full control of my body due to that drug and the amount of it I was exposed to, the way they went back and forth with all their guesses.

Starting around the same time as Middle School, a certain game came in to my life.

Phantasy Star Universe.

Here, I found a world I could truly immerse myself in. A blatant story to get me started on these lore trips I'm now sort of known for.

I beat the offline story three times over, then once more to be sure I had a grasp on the game's mechanics, before asking my parents to buy me the monthly subscription to the game's online "Network Mode". I created my character and met some..."friends."

At first, things were good. Josh was a sweet kid. A good friend. We were good friends. And then, well, Josh met Nick.

Nick was older. He found us amusing and we found him amusing. We stuck together.

It wasn't long before things started going down.

I wasn't as...available...as they were. They started to "bond", in their words. What they meant was they were starting to plan how to mess with me, and excluding me from being in on the jokes and the friendship.

They were abusive, in other words. Nick trained Josh and Josh took to it.

I know it seems kind of odd that such a thing can happen over a game, with only a platonic relationship, but let me put it this way. All you REALLY need to abuse someone are words. You don't need to hit them to be abusive. Verbal abuse exists.

You don't need to be romantically involved either, you know? Just because you didn't fall for someone doesn't mean you can't manipulate them, make them doubt themselves, run them around and wrap them around your finger.

So those two...well, I didn't know any better. I didn't have any OTHER friends, after all.

Isn't this what friendship is? Jokes? You make fun of each other, right, but it's in good fun...Sometimes you go too far, but you talk and say sorry and you're friends! You're friends, right!?

That's what FRIENDSHIP IS, RIGHT?

RIGHT!?

It's...all that...right?

God, I was so wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

Friends don't scare off other friends without letting you in on why they thought that wasn't a good person for you to be friends with.

Friends don't constantly make "jokes" about you, even after you ask them to not cross that line.

Friends don't make everything an argument.

Friends don't egg you on when you finally start making those "jokes" back, but reprimand you for doing it in front of anyone but them, forcing you to repress the "humor".

Friends don't try to control every aspect of what you do, what you can do for fun, how you can help, how you can play a game, what games you can play, when you can talk, when you can support or attack...

Friends don't force you to stay even if you're expressing discomfort.

Friends don't brush off your voiced concerns that they're too cruel to you.

Friends don't make you believe you're nothing and will never be anything but their bitchboy to mess with.

Friends don't blackmail you in to doing what they want, and attach invisible strings to gifts.

Friends don't constantly warn you against trying anything alone because you won't be able to handle it.

Friends don't invalidate what skills you DO have, what you ARE good at, just to keep you in the dumpster.

Friends don't force you to use glitches you aren't comfortable using, to the point where you accidentally break your hardware trying to perform them just to please them.

Friends don't take away the only achievement you earned under your own power and then laugh when you complain that it wasn't fair of them to lie to you about their intentions.

Friends. Don't. Do. That.

They did. Nick and Josh did.

FOR FIVE f*** YEARS.

Because I was too stupid to leave them. Because I was too weak to realize they weren't good for me.

Because I couldn't tell the difference between being ABUSED and HAVING FRIENDS.

I was their little f***, their personal toy for mindgames, seeing how far they could push me until I bit, seeing how low they could get me until they had to raise me up to keep going.

You know what ELSE friends don't do?

They don't laugh when you send a suicide note to the only people you thought cared about you.

friends don't do that and it fills me with anger to this day dear f*** god I'm so f*** p*** about this STILL and I will NEVER HEAL GOD f*** DAMMIT

I am so f*** BROKEN because of what they did to me and I can't even TELL ANYONE

I CAN'T TELL ANYONE I CAN'T TELL ANYONE I CAN'T TELL ANYONE DEAR f*** GOD I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M TYPING THIS

WHY HAVEN'T I DELETED IT YET

NONE OF YOU DESERVE TO CARRY THIS KNOWLEDGE

NOBODY BUT ME

AND DO YOU f*** SEE WHAT ELSE THEY DID TO ME?

CARRY EVERYTHING ALONE, GALAX. THIS IS THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GOOD AT. CARRYING OTHER PEOPLE.

YOU NEED TO MAN UP, GALAX. IT'S NOT MANLY TO CRY. I HEARD YOU CRYING. IF YOU DONT' WANT THESE KIND OF REMARKS WHY DONT' YOU MUTE YOUR MIC, GALAX. WHY DON'T YOU JUST BLACKLIST ME THEN.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE US THEN. WE DON'T NEED YOU. WE BONDED OVER THE SUMMER. I KNOW YOU WERE GONE BUT IT'S NOT FAIR TO EXPECT US JUST TO PICK YOU BACK UP. IT'S NOT OUR FAULT YOUR 360 BROKE.

IT'S NOT OUR FAULT YOUR MIC BROKE.

EXCEPT IT IS NICK YOU ASSHOLE

YOU PUSHED ME TO USE THE MACHINE GUN GLITCH

I f*** TOLD YOU IT WAS A BAD IDEA

I
TOLD
YOU

god I'm sobbing right now but only in my head

I can't even cry anymore
look
lllllook
loo k what else they did to me god dammit

I can't cry
I can't cry anymore
i can't cry

I CAN'T
f***
CRY
WHY CAN'T I CRY WHEN I NEED TO?
IT'S NOT WRONG?

IT'S ACTUALLY SUPER UNHEALTHY NOT TO?

AND NO W MY ONLY REAL FRIENDS ARE INSIDE AND THAT'S NOT ENOUGH ANYMORE

AND I CAN'T ACTUAL.Y POST THIS

LFDSAHUHEW LTH;KJ

I CAN'T

LITHNUEN PRA SUTU DETRENAS MALTEK MEVEN ARTELE! VOLKTET MANASERN! SVILTEN BASHA DEL NIT N&J SAFFDSAJKKKKKKKKKKKKKKTYGPEWHJIGFLSK

i'm sorry

i'm hopeless

I'm truly hopeless

I'm only here to help you guys now

that's what I do, isn't it

heal other
hold other
carry other

..that's my role
that's my job

that's my place.

you know who to thank right?
you know who to send the card to
when you realize I've helped you with anything

no no, not to me

to Nick
to Josh

Jersey and Virginia, respectively. Josh's name is Joshua Webb, look him up, he frequently goes by MrSibby if you'd like to send him a card for my support. I'm sure he'd appreciate knowing his legacy lives on.

This is me. This is me. This is all I am. This is me. This is what I am. I'm not even a who, I'm just your support system. Whoever needs me I'm here for. Nevermindm y problems, let's hear about you, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here okay I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. Unlike Porscha. She got sick and died, rest that cat's soul. Unlike Amie, fluid in the lungs ,we had to have him put down. Unlike Blitzen, crushed by a chair. Unlike Grandma, hit by a drunk driver in a pickup. Unlike Grampa, who hung himself before my older sister was born. Unlike Uncle Jay, who didn't wear his seatbelt. Unlike other Grampa, who ran out on my dad. Unlike Uncle Carl, who died a few years ago.

I'm here though. I'm here I'm here I'm here I'm here I'm here Im' here I'm here I'mhere okay I'here I'm here for you I'll help what hurts I've got you don't worry shush shush it's okay I'll kiss it better if that'll help do you need a kiss? A girlfriend? Just a friend? Anything? I can be anything you need. A sex toy? Do you need release? I can give you that. A therapist? I can be that. A marriage counselor? I got you, no more troubles if you listen to me, I'm an expert, I solve everyone's problems, never met a person I can't fix except me

I can't fix me, I can't fix me, I can't fix me, I never had a self and I never had an education, I barely passed school and I never learned what type of perosn I was I didn't even know I was a girl for so long but I did know and I just refused to know okay that's what really happened I refused to be different

so please don't pity me, please don't cry, I'm here to take care of you guys. That's all I'm ever good for.

Goodbye.
avatar
Rena

Posts : 19
Join date : 2013-12-25
Age : 23
Location : Nutopia.

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